I hate Grief

 

God, it's the fucking worst. I know this is a sensitive topic because like, so many of us have lost people we were close to in the past year but I've been dealing with the waves and the emotional complexities that come after losing somebody you truly loved for a lot longer and... I'll be honest, there's no moving on. You can't just start over after somebody you cared for and spent your days with and revealed your secrets to and wholeheartedly believed in has died. There's no brand new start where you move to another city and forget all about them, at least there was not, for me. Grieving is messy, and irrational and painful and exhausting- but there's so much to learn from it. 

What nobody tells you is that it comes in waves. How you'll just be doing the dishes and suddenly be struck with this ache, this emptiness in your heart where you imagine the figure of them next to you, smiling- alive, in color, and poof they're gone the next moment and when you're back to reality everything is black and white, the world holds no color for you anymore. 

How you'll hear some happy news and immediately want to go tell them and then realize they're... not here anymore, they're not anywhere. Oh my god, where do i find them? What do i fill the pieces of my heart with, the ones that had their memories now that they're gone? 

How you'll be going on about your day, maybe the sun's shining and hey, your favorite singer has a new album out and you should be happy but you're not because the hole in your heart persists and you tried- you tried filling it up with other people, with music, with books, with events, with films, with drugs, with adventures, with jobs, with studies, with time, but nothing, nothing REALLY fixes it, it's always there, the hole. It feels like your heart is a cracked piece of cement in the road but in an abandoned town the government doesn't care for anymore and your days are the cars that go by crushing you further. (Read:Mine)

And so you give up.  You don't do the dishes anymore. You don't listen to that new album. You break streaks, and you don't talk to your friends for days. Your phone is a graveyard of texts and your grades are down the drain and you're lonely but you don't want to connect and you're failing but you don't want to pass. You stop going on walks and you stop reading books and you stop trying to fix the hole with other people and things because nothing will ever be enough. I hate it, how can something that feels so ugly emerge from something that once felt so beautiful?

Everywhere you look, there's this longing to be able to see them, and oh wait- You realize you don't even remember their face anymore. What the fuck? I thought I was having trouble moving on but I don't even remember what they looked like? It's been 12 months? 

Time doesn't heal, not really. It just blurs memories, perhaps but how you felt when you were around them- that childlike joy, and how it felt to lose them, the sheer despair- it never quite leaves you. And maybe that's okay. I've spent quite a lot of my days trying to fill a hole in me i couldn't see, only to eventually realize it'll never be filled and i just have to create a space for other things around it. This hole will always serve as a reminder that I had someone who loved me right up until they died, and I loved them and though losing them sucks and I'd give anything to bring them back i find peace in the thought that it's so lovely that i had this connection, this bond that makes it so difficult to move on from. That i had something real, that left a hole inside of me that allows the best light of their memories to shine through. As fake vision tells Wanda, "What is grief not love persevering?"